Last night Thing 1 found my old iPod. When I say old, I'm talking about 10 years ago, so yeah, old. It's really neat that he's just as into music and dancing as I was. I am glad I can share this with him.
After he went to bed I brought the iPod and dock into my room and listened to one of my old playlists while I folded laundry. Oh my goodness, there is nothing like music to transport me back to the past! Certain songs were so powerful that they brought up memories I hadn't thought of in almost a decade. I remembered whole parts of my life that I had forgotten. And as I realized how beautiful and safe my life had become, I couldn't help but get some answers as to why I am the way I am.
My husband told me recently that I'm not like other girls and that's why he likes me. I don't do girly things or hang out with girls in groups. I have friends that I love more than anything, some are also sisters in the Lord. I see them one or two at a time. Anything more than that I just can't deal with. It's just something about me and it's not up to me to change it. If the Lord wants it changed, He will initiate it. Hubby laughs when he turns on the netflix streaming and sees that the last thing I watched was Heroin Town. It's who I am and what I am interested in. Maybe for good reason... we want to open a home for addicts. A place where they can meet the Lord and clean up their lives.
Anyway, as I folded my 3 year old's tiny pants I remembered when it was common for me to wake up with the barrel of a gun to my forehead. My tweaked out, paranoid, thug of an ex showed his love in untypical ways. Often I had to talk him down from the metaphorical ledge going on in his head before he would remove the cold steel from my head. I wasn't the only one he treated that way. Sometimes we were subject to a home invasion by someone he ripped off or just said the wrong thing to. I became familiar with the click click of a gun being cocked outside my bedroom window. I got good at silently rolling onto the floor and doing the army crawl to the closest tub. Bathtubs are the place to be if bullets are being fired. Surprizingly, these were not my official "drug years." This was while living in Daytona Beach. These were the mild years compared to my time as a teenage heroin addict.
The only good part about being a heroin addict is that through all the trauma, I was unable to feel pain. Actually I was unable to feel a thing. I once spent 2 days trapped in an abandoned home in NE Philly and kept hostage by a group of bangers(gang banger). I remember most of what happened over those 2 days, but I still don't care... all the dope I was given did it's job.
As I ran through these memories and many, many more I couldn't believe how far away from all that the Lord has brought me. Just the other day I was giving myself grief for not going to an event I had planned on going to, when I should just be happy I can leave the house at all. The insane amount of pessure I have put on myself is rediculous. I can't be in a group of women without feeling so different that it gives me a panic attack. Guess what, because of my past I am different. I wish I could erase the past... one horrific act of abuse and volence after another(never by my family though, I have always had wonderful and supportive parents, go figure!).
I sometimes get upset because I don't feel quite a part of my female group of friends. It seems so easy for them to trust each other and let down their guards. They see good in each other and in life. I only see bad, and how they are going to hurt me, and why I need to have my defenes up.
Until last night I thought there was something wrong with me that would never be fixed. I saw that I am not posessed or evil, just damaged. Fortunately, Christ works well with damaged folks. He has been my true Saviour. He has crowned me with respect and has given me a beautiful life. How could I ever doubt Him? He is my Rock.
In Him there is no rush. I don't have the same past as most. I shouldn't expect to automatically be complete and healthy. The renewing and transforming of the mind is not a cookie cutter process, but living process. I trust that my Lord is my healing. All I have to do is somehow know more of Him. I am glad and thankful for life. For a long time I prayed to die. Every night that was my prayer. I felt less than a dog. I had no problem dying to self, I hated myself and was glad to see it go. Now here I am with a glimpse of Christ. He has given me so much life that I have become greedy. I want to be where others are at in their walk. I want to love as if I have had that all my life from friends and caregivers. I want to trust as if I wasn't attacked and abused by more friends and caregivers than not. But, for some reason it's my current reality that brings Christ the glory. And in this moment I am happy and grateful to be safe at all.
Thanks for reading one of my most personal entries, it felt good to write.